This Tiny POV Mistake Could RUIN Your Entire Story ✅
If you’re writing in third person for your novel and your scenes feel flat, distant, or emotionally muted—even though nothing is “technically wrong”—this is likely the reason.
As the author, you think you’re putting readers inside your character’s head.
But in reality, you’re only describing the character, not letting the reader experience the scene through them.
This is a subtle point of view mistake that quietly breaks immersion—even for experienced writers.
Let’s break it down and fix it.
Shallow Third Person vs Deep Third Person (And Why It Matters)
What Is Shallow Third Person?
Shallow third person uses third-person grammar (he/she/they) but keeps emotional distance.
The narration:
Reports what the character feels
Explains reactions
Labels emotions
Observes from the outside
Here’s a common example:
Susan felt nervous as she walked into the diner. She noticed people watching her and wondered what they were thinking.
Nothing is grammatically wrong here.
But it feels… flat.
Why Shallow Third Person Breaks Immersion
The narration is telling the reader what Susan feels instead of letting us feel it ourselves.
Words like:
felt
noticed
saw
heard
wondered
thought
realized
These are called filter words.
They act like a pane of glass between the reader and the character.
Instead of being Susan, we’re being told about Susan.
The Fix: Writing in Deep Third Person POV
Deep third person still uses “she” or “he,” but the voice of the narration belongs to the character, not the author.
Let’s rewrite that same scene.
Shallow Version
Susan felt nervous as she walked into the diner. She noticed people watching her and wondered what they were thinking.
Deep Third Person Rewrite
Susan pushed into the diner—too quiet. Every head turned. Of course they did. She kept her eyes down. Don’t give them the satisfaction.
Why This Works
We aren’t told Susan is nervous
The narration sounds like Susan’s thoughts
The judgment (“Of course they did”) belongs to her
The tension is felt, not explained
The narration acts like the character.
The Core Rule of Deep Third Person POV
The narration can only include what the POV character can realistically experience in the moment.
That includes:
What they see
What they hear
What they interpret
What they judge
It does not include:
Information they don’t have
Thoughts they wouldn’t think
Emotions labeled from the outside
A Simple Test: Remove the Emotion Word
Here’s a powerful rule of thumb:
If you remove the emotion word and the sentence loses its meaning, the writing is shallow.
Example:
Susan was angry.
Remove angry—nothing remains.
Now compare:
Fine. If he was done listening, so was she.
No emotion word.
Still clear.
Still strong.
That’s deep third person.
When Filter Words Are (Sometimes) Okay
Filter words aren’t forbidden.
They’re just often unnecessary.
If removing them doesn’t change the meaning, cut them.
But if they add meaning, you can keep them.
Example: Same Room, Different POVs
The room felt like a box closing in.
This shows pressure and anxiety.
The room felt cozy and safe.
Same room.
Different character.
Different emotional experience.
Here, felt actually contributes to the meaning—so it works.
A Common POV Rule Writers Break (Without Realizing It)
Look at this sentence:
Susan didn’t see Mark watching her.
This breaks deep third person.
If Susan didn’t see him… how does the narration know?
Fix It by Staying in Her Experience
Instead, write what Susan can observe:
His smile never reached his eyes.
Now the judgment belongs to Susan.
The POV stays intact.
The immersion holds.
More Before-and-After POV Examples
Labeling Emotion (Shallow)
Susan was angry. He wasn’t listening. Did he even care?
Improved, But Still Surface-Level
Tom kept talking. Didn’t pause. Didn’t look at her. Susan clenched her jaw.
This is solid. The emotion is implied through action.
Deeper Third Person
Fine. If he was done listening, so was she.
Short.
Judgmental.
Very close to the character’s inner voice.
Dialogue Tags That Break Immersion
The Problem
“You’re late,” he said angrily.
This labels emotion instead of letting the line land.
The Fix
“You’re late.” His voice snapped, like she’d done it on purpose.
Now we:
Hear how it lands
Feel the tension
Stay inside the POV character
Deep Third Person Is Not More Emotion—It’s Better Control
Deep POV is not:
Constant internal monologue
Nonstop thoughts
Italics everywhere
It’s about controlling narrative distance through word choice.
Do You Need Italics for Thoughts in Deep POV?
Short answer: No.
In deep third person, thoughts often blend naturally into narration.
Example:
Of course this would happen today.
No italics needed.
The reader understands this is the character’s thought.
Use italics sparingly—for emphasis, not as a crutch.
Shallow vs Deep POV Is Really Telling vs Showing
Think of POV like a dial:
Shallow = more telling
Deep = more showing
You don’t have to stay at maximum depth all the time—but when a scene matters emotionally, depth makes all the difference.
Final Takeaway
If your third-person scenes feel distant, flat, or emotionally muted, the problem usually isn’t your plot or characters.
It’s this:
You’re describing the character instead of letting the narration become them.
Cut unnecessary filter words.
Let judgment replace explanation.
Match the narration to how this character experiences the moment.
That’s deep third person POV.
If you want to practice this, drop one of your before-and-after POV rewrites in the comments. I’d love to see them—and other writers will benefit too.
Happy writing ✍️